Unstained But Distant
by TJHECTOR
Summary: He did not want to go to sleep. Not when he knew unwanted thoughts would taint his dreams. He was afraid that gaze of Mike would haunt him once he fell asleep. And he had not been thinking about that Fearless Leader yet... This world, this place was no home.../Same As It Never Was Universe. One-shot.


One-shot. Same As It Never Was universe.

**A/N: **Forgive me if there are many obvious grammar mistakes. English is not my native language, but I certainly have tried my best. So if you would kindly ignore these mistakes while reading my story or point them out for me, I would be more than grateful. Thank you. By the way, I've been working on another multi-chapter Same As It Never Was story, but I think writing a little one-shot like this one would not do any harm since I'm not abandoning the other story. Thought I give it a try.

Enjoy &amp; review!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the lyrics I quote.

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**UNSTAINED BUT DISTANT**

The apartment was dark. He slid in through the half-opened window, landing on the old, worn carpet. The carpet had been here when he first found this place. He never liked it, but he did not bother to remove it. Guess he never bothered to think this place as his home.

It had been four years since he moved into this abandoned apartment. Actually the whole building was deserted. Shredder had moved all the people into his so-called "constructive force", which was literally hard labor camp. So, some parts of the town were left to rot before the Big Brother came up with some urban development planning.

He sat down on the couch, swinging his feet onto the cushions and spreading his tired body all over them. It was a long night just like any other night. Boring, though. Today he had gone to check the new barrier the government was building. Just checking if Shredder had got new toys guarding the west side of town. He lived like a retired old man now. Wandering the town making sure everything's okay. He did not even know why he did such things. He should really be living outside the town, stop caring about how things went. Tried once. He had spent a whole summer in Northhampton (when it was still called Northhampton), right after Casey's burial. That summer was long, arid, silent and dull. Now he figured out that he just couldn't leave this city. He was destined to born, live, die and rot in this town.

He picked up a bottle of beer from the floor without moving his shell an inch. The bottle was half-full. He took a sip. It was about dawn. He always went out at night, returning at daybreak. Like a vampire. _Mikey would like that thought._ No, not the Mikey who was now allied himself with the revolutionaries, but the Mikey he remembered from the past. _That goofball._ He smiled as he recalled the moments from their early years. Those memories were the only things he really desired to protect. He wanted them to remain pure and unstained. They were the only thoughts he could cling onto during sleepless days. Or during that time when he almost got killed while tried to rescue some elders who had gotten recruited to work in the labor camp. He had thought he was going to die, but after lying on the bathroom floor in-and-out consciousness for three days, he got better. He still remembered the images he held in his mind when the idea of death stubbornly trying to break into his head. He knew he could just let go. He was alone and nobody would care. Mikey was fighting for his belief; Leo was somewhere else and had his own business to mind. He could go on and live his life like this, but it seemed pointless. It's all fucked up—the world they knew, the faces from the past. Everything was stained—everything but his memories.

O-O-O

He thought he was slightly drifting off to sleep, but then he shoved the dark dreams away, sitting up suddenly. Now he did not want to go to sleep. Not now. Not when some unwanted thoughts tainted his mind. You should never fall asleep like that, because the devil would return to your dreams, becoming nightmarish torture; it would agonize you, defeat you and make you weak.

He staggered across the room towards the stereo. He managed to get himself this baby years ago, and it soon became his faithful company along with some CDs he had saved from the wreckage of a shop.

He turned it on and adjusted the volume to a confortable level, which was a bit loud but enough to console his restless mind.

_"To the centre of the city where all roads meet, waiting for you,_

_To the depths of the ocean where all hopes sank, searching for you,…*"_

Yeah it was the center of the city. He could feel its core, breathing…

He was dozing off again. He struggled to regain consciousness, because he couldn't get rid of the disturbing image in his dreams. Every time the clouds of dream approached and he gazed into it, he saw Mikey's face, marred by pain. He saw Mikey staring at him, his expression distant and vacant. It was not the Mikey he used to know. It was the Mikey with only one arm. The tough kid he almost couldn't recognize when they last encountered. He could not stand looking into Mikey's eyes, the eyes that knew pain, agony and sorrow. He wanted to avoid Mikey's gaze but simply could not. His brother's distrusting stare seemed able to find him wherever he went. This was his dream every time he felt restless.

The CD was now progressing to the next track. He blinked wearily.

_"…__Over each mistakes were made._

_I took the blame._

_…_

_A loaded gun won't set you free. …**"_

He smiled whenever he heard that line. It was just plain good. And he knew its meaning so well. Guess that's why he chose to live even so degradingly. That time he nearly died, he lied on the cold bathroom floor and thought about afterlife. In the end he reached the conclusion that there was no afterlife. Guess his mind would dissolve and go on a thousand different paths. And guess what, he wouldn't give a damn. If it had to come, so be it. No heaven and hell, sure. But after three days, he recovered from extreme weakness, barely escaping from death's grip.

_"…__It was me, waiting for me,_

_Hoping for something more,_

_Me, seeing me this time,_

_Hoping for something else. …**"_

He did not want to sleep.

He was afraid that gaze of Mike would haunt him once he fell asleep. And he had not been thinking about that Fearless Leader yet. He wouldn't go there; because he knew once he started to think about Leonardo, it would draw out a lot of thoughts he was not prepare for. He'd rather think he was still strong enough for all this. Huh, pretending to be tough was always what he did best. Everybody bought that crap including he himself. But only in times like this would he begin to doubt himself. Restless times like this.

Think something good. Think something _gold_. Think about Mikey, Donnie and Leo, and Sensei. Well, _that was a long time ago._ He began to picture their home, _the lair,_ in his mind. He began to see the vague outline of the image. It began to resemble his memories. The scent of the air. The atmosphere. _Master Splinter's meditating in his room. Leo was on the sofa reading a magazine. Donnie's in his workshop working on some new project. Mikey's watching a movie. And what was he doing? He was going to join Mikey. It was probably some low class sci-fi horror movie again, but he's gonna enjoy it. He would tease Mikey for watching some junk movie like that._ …Boy, he would give everything just to see that carefree smile on his brother again. _Everything._ And to see all of his brothers sitting in one room, just hanging around.

Was he crying? No. His heart had already hardened and had no capacity to generate soft emotions like that.

That _was_ home. This fucking place was no home. He ignored the sound of the patrol helicopter outside. He needed to focus on that image he held so dear. He wanted a good dream.

Now he could actually hear them talking from a distance….

_"__Hey, Raph. Wanna watch this movie with me?"_

_"__Move your ass Mikey. People tryin' to sit down here."_

_"__Like it isn't already crowded."_

_"…__Hey Leo, why don't ya make some hot chocolate."_

_"__What? Why should I?"_

_"__Of all the turtles in this room, ya make the best hot chocolate."_

_"__Com'on Leo, it's probably the only chance Raph's gonna admit you're better than him in some ways."_

_"__Don, I think you just want hot chocolate, isn't' it?"_

_"__He's right dude, you really make good chocolate."_

_"__Go bro, don't forget ta put little marshmallows in mine."_

He smiled as he was finally overcome by slumber. This time sweet dreams awaited him.

-The End-

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* Lyrics of _Shadowplay_ by _Joy Division_.

** Lyrics of _New Dawn Fades_ by _Joy Division_.


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